Photo: courtesy of Nicole Jackson/Guardian

By Nicole Jackson

My present passport photo is heavy on teen makeup and I wore a strapless top to boot, but finally, after years of waiting, it’s time to renew my passport. On Monday morning I sit down at a London Photo-Me, equipped with £1 coins and a light dusting of blusher.

Barking instructions

I have barely finished feeding my coins into the slot before the booth starts barking instructions.

Position yourself in front of the screen. Have your head straight and centred. Look at the camera. Keep a neutral expression, mouth closed, and do not smile. Keep your hair in the frame and away from your face. Keep your eyes open. Centre your eyes.

When did these booths get so much attitude?

Choose your photo

Click. The finished shot appears on the screen. My eyes seem to be going in different directions. “Please choose your photograph,” sing-songs the booth. I do, and a red cross informs me my picture isn’t passport-compliant.

Never mind – plenty more change. This time my eyes are in the right direction but another red cross appears. It must be the hair. I scrape it back, but it looks so severe I baulk and smile at the last minute. Red cross. I withdraw another tenner.

Not impressed

Hair retucked, eyes centred, I freeze my face into what I think is an expressionless gaze, but on reflection looks somewhat psychotic. Photo-Me is not impressed. Two more red crosses appear. Why? The machine has no answer.

I’m 20 quid down, with no passport and several strips of appalling photos.

From The Guardian